I am not a lawyer.

After regaling me with tales of his fight against the government over the value of his house, and how this somehow put him in the hospital, I get one of the infamous questions:

Patron: Do you think I should sue them?
Me: ...I can't give you that kind of advice.

Awkward.

My coworkers are awesome.

Last weekend we had a patron come in wanting to check out a very expensive medical textbook. Coworker #1 looked up his account and found that his account had expired and he had two unreturned items from almost a year ago (one of them was another copy of the very same expensive textbook). She then explained to him that due to the status of his account, he could not check out the book (this was a reserve item kept behind our circulation desk). He then proceeded to reach over the counter (one of my biggest pet peeves) and grab the book anyways! Saying "oh, I'm just going to look at it anyways" and backing away all while #1 is explaining that he needs to clear up the issues with his account before he can use reserve materials.

Shortly after this, Coworker #2 came back from lunch and found out what the situation was. Keep in mind this girl is tiny - maybe 5 feet tall - always very fashionable, and wearing a classic pair of kitten heels, and she wasn't having any of it! She walked up to the patron sitting at the computer and said "sir, I'm going to have to take that book back from you" and explained once again that due to the status of his account he was not able to take the book from the reserves section. He acted innocent and gave the book back. After getting back to the desk, she realized that he hadn't complained because he was still using the CD-ROM from the book! So she marched back over to him and took the CD-ROM back too.

All of the sudden he was thanking them and being polite, meanwhile when it had been just one girl earlier in the day, he was incredibly rude and pushy. Funny how that works.

Don't mess with the little people!

Christmas holidays @ an academic library.

Services the library does not provide (no matter how many times you try to rephrase the question):

- Logging in to your son's account (over the phone no less) to see what he owes the university money for. If it's that important, tell him to get his butt out of bed and come down to the library where he can use one of our computers to login himself.
- Write up tax receipts for donations to the university.
- Allow you to come behind the desk and use OUR circulation terminal to browse the internet because the internet on our public terminals is temporarily down.
- Look up eBay auctions for you over the phone so that you can "save a trip".
- Stay open past our regular hours so that you can stare at us like a creep while you "wait for your friend".
- And no, we don't have a special storage locker in the library for you to store your books in every day.

Anyone else have some fun Christmas stories to share?

Scary stuff...

Nothing is scarier than when a very weird library patron tries to use his firearms license as a form of ID.

BUSTED. Big time.

This one reminds me of a time back when I was still shelving at the public library. I made the mistake of going to use the public ladies room (it was so much closer than the staff bathroom) and walked in on two gross-looking girls getting all hot and heavy in the middle of the bathroom! They couldn't even be bothered to go in a stall! (I say that as if it would somehow have been better?)
Or there was the time I found a used condom in the stacks.
Oh, or the time a teenage girl was sitting in her teenage boyfriend's lap and they were making out on and off for about an hour...in front of everyone. Lovely, people. Just lovely.

Now on to our story from Ed in Melbourne:

I was on a date with a lovely young lady - it was our third or fourth date, and things were going along very well and it was pretty obvious that we were getting to the point of being crazy about each other.  So, we went along to the Supreme Court Library (where else do you take a hot date?)
We found our way up to the top floor where there are wonderful views across Melbourne - it's a domed roof with windows looking out in all directions.  Coming off this domed roof are surrounding rooms, filled from floor to ceiling with shelves, and we found ourselves in a room surrounded by old, massive volumes of legislation from the 1800s.  There was nobody in sight, and it looked like there hadn't been a soul in the room for years.
So, being the passionate couple that we were, we started to...ahem...show our affection for each other.  Which involved clothes being left on the floor, and both of us enjoying each other's company. Very much.
And we were into the moment, into each other, and for several moments didn't notice the judge, and the supreme court librarian who had turned up (who knows for how long?) at the end of the aisle who yelled out at us.
Suffice to say, we were both banned from coming back to the supreme court library.

Puppet show preview?

This one from Kathleen in Texas. Pretty sad that sometimes the parents are worse than the children.

When I managed a small branch library, a young, over-earnest (and very entitled) mother came to me before the puppet show scheduled for that afternoon. She wanted to know if she could pre-screen the show for appropriateness for a 2-year-old. With a very straight face, I explained that this was a live performance and therefore could not be previewed at all. I also explained that this would be a capacity crowd and that it was not appropriate for a 2-year-old, and more suited to a 5-8 year-old audience. She was adamant that she pre-screen the puppet show until I had to just say “no.” I was busy handing out tickets to children and explaining to parents that the show would be very full and that if they could, please send the child in alone.

Most parents were very understanding and went to sit elsewhere in the branch. As I was helping another customer just before the show started, I saw uber-mom sneak into the show with her 2-year-old who promptly began to scream when the lights went out. The puppeteers actually had to stop the show and ask her to remove her child before they could be heard over the poor toddler’s cries (and these ladies had some good lungs on them, too). Of course, no one involved in this got an apology from the mom; not the staff, the puppeteers or the other members of the audience. Some folks got no ‘couth.  Nope, no ‘couth at all.

Chat rooms @ the library.

Another one about the Facebook stalker I've mentioned previously.

Long before the Facebook stalking incident occured, when I was still a fairly new employee, she came up to me asking if I could help her with the chat program on her computer, as it wasn't working. At this point I wasn't familiar with her antics and figured she was trying to use the Ask A Librarian feature. As I get to the screen I realize it is in fact one of those creepy hookup/dating/"meet your soulmate" chat rooms (I can't remember the name) with some flashy graphic featuring all kinds of nice, lurid pictures.

My response? That the university has probably disabled the chat room because the computers are meant to be used for research and studying only (not 100% true, but whatever). To which I get the incredibly displeased and snarky reply of "OH, WELL THAT SUCKS."

I've never understood why so many people insist on looking at porn or doing other similar weird stuff on public computers...maybe its time to invest in your own computer and internet connection at home so the rest of us don't have to watch in horror. Oh, and not to mention all the other hundreds of people waiting in line to use the computers for legitimate purposes.

I've seen it all: porn and sex chatrooms (men have actually been busted masturbating under the table at our city's public library!), gambling (and other similar scams), and of course the ever-popular farmville addiction.
What kinds of strange/gross computer usage have you all had the pleasure of witnessing?

Canadian Government = Nazis?

A patron just compared the Canadian government (asking him to provide details about the equity in his recently sold home) to the nazi's pulling out gold teeth in extermination camps during World War II. He went on to give an incredibly graphic and detailed description of this. This somehow relates to him seeing me at a bus stop several months ago (this was his conversation starter), but I have no idea how and am now just thoroughly confused.

The day a patron CLIMBED THE LIBRARY

I should start with a description of the library: my city's main branch has 4 floors. One wall is composed almost entirely of windows with a type of design similar to scaffolding that extends outwards on the inside of the building over the reading terrace. Similar to this:

One day last year I came to work and shortly after the entire building was being evacuated. I looked up and there was a young man STANDING ON THE SCAFFOLDING on the fourth floor. Hence why we had to evacuate; one misstep and he could have fallen four floors down as around the reading terrace it is an open design. Shortly after the building was emptied the police and emergency services showed up and had to climb up and rescue the guy.

Apparently he and his girlfriend had gotten into an argument in the library earlier that day and she had broken up with him and told him "he should kill himself". So he climbed the scaffolding intending to jump off. But of course once he got up there, he decided that he wanted to live, but couldn't figure out how to climb back down!

Crazy library patrons: at least climb the OUTSIDE of the building. Or even better: avoid having your crazy break up arguments inside the library altogether.

Feces @ the library.

Has anyone ever been walking around in the stacks only to come across a steaming pile of human feces on the floor? Not even far from the public washrooms?
I have.

I also once had a mother come up to me while I was shelving and ask if it was okay to change her baby's diaper on the floor inbetween the stacks. I informed her that there was a changing table in the ladies room that she could use. She said she didn't want to do that because "he might fall off". But she was also worried that someone might walk by and see her changing her baby (duh). I told her she could do whatever she was most comfortable with, but that I couldn't guarantee that no one would walk by. I am almost 100% sure it wasn't in my job description to "stand guard" over mothers who don't want to use the proper changing tables provided.