Got any books?

From Mr. TGS in Canada:

Child: "Are there any books here?"
Me: "I don't know... I think there are..."
Child: "Any GOOD books?"
Me: "Oh no, we don't keep those here."

^ Moments like those make me love my job.

Paranormal evidence @ the library.

From Lisa in Canada:

During one of my first shifts at my new library job, a friendly older gentleman approached the desk and started making small talk with me while I set him up with an internet pass. He asked me if I believed in ghosts and I said yes. He said "well then I have a treat for you!" He then pulled out his digital camera and proceeded to scroll through the pictures until he found the one he wanted. He zoomed in on something and showed me the camera. It was a photograph of a forest with a strange glowing blue orb. He explained that it was a floating eyeball, and on closer inspection it actually did look like one! At this point my coworker at the computer beside me turned her screen to face me and gave me the look. She had opened up a Word document and typed in giant letters, PLEASE STOP TALKING TO THIS MAN!!!! Later on, she told me that he was a regular who likes to us our computers to upload his ghost phenomenon photographs.

Well....I liked him!

Feces @ the library: take two.

From H.K. in Canada:

One day, apparently the public washroom on our second floor was occupied when an older lady desperately needed to use it. So instead of waiting, she decided to defecate in one of the nearby garbage cans. After doing so, she came downstairs to the circulation desk and told us what she had done, and that we should "do something about it." She then left and never came back. (Some of us speculate she was a mental patient at the nearby mental hospital.)
Luckily our janitor arrived shortly after to clean up the mess.

Gettin' your jollies @ the library.

From H.K. in Canada:

One Saturday afternoon several years ago, a male patron came into the library (we are an academic library) asking for access to the internet (we often give out temporary passes to visitors). His only identification was his prison inmate ID card! This was the first red flag.

He went up to the second floor and proceeded to watch poronography at one of the computer terminals. A female student came down to the circulation desk and complained about it. My coworker went upstairs to verify, and he was indeed watching porn and masturbating under the table. We then called security who went upstairs to remove him. When they approached him he said, "Wait til I'm finished."

Security dragged him out anyway, thank God. He was not happy.

Farting @ the library.

From Miss L. in Canada:

Back in my library school days I did a 2 week work placement in an elementary school library. During a storytime with the kindergarteners one afternoon, a boy in the middle of the group let an adult-male sized fart rip. There was a moment of dead silence, then the boy next to him stuck out his arm and pointed in his face and exclaimed, "Say excuse me!!!!" The culprit turned bright red and bowed his head in shame. I nearly died trying not to laugh. That was the best moment of the entire work placement.

Science vs. religion @ the library.

From Maria who works in an Aquaculture Library:

One day we had a local scientist come in and demand our copy of the Koran (Quran). Which, obviously, we had no copy of as we are a strictly acquaculture/fisheries/ocean focused library. My coworker and I spent a good 10 minutes explaining to him that we are a science-based library with no religious materials. He then asked if we had a copy of the Bible, and if we did have a copy of the Bible, why didn't we have a copy of the Koran? (He jumped to conclusions on this one.) I then explained that we didn't hold a copy of the Bible either. He then told us that we should get one.

And that was the end of the Koran emergency - he really needed a copy of it for up in his office I guess.

Puppet show preview?

This one from Kathleen in Texas. Pretty sad that sometimes the parents are worse than the children.

When I managed a small branch library, a young, over-earnest (and very entitled) mother came to me before the puppet show scheduled for that afternoon. She wanted to know if she could pre-screen the show for appropriateness for a 2-year-old. With a very straight face, I explained that this was a live performance and therefore could not be previewed at all. I also explained that this would be a capacity crowd and that it was not appropriate for a 2-year-old, and more suited to a 5-8 year-old audience. She was adamant that she pre-screen the puppet show until I had to just say “no.” I was busy handing out tickets to children and explaining to parents that the show would be very full and that if they could, please send the child in alone.

Most parents were very understanding and went to sit elsewhere in the branch. As I was helping another customer just before the show started, I saw uber-mom sneak into the show with her 2-year-old who promptly began to scream when the lights went out. The puppeteers actually had to stop the show and ask her to remove her child before they could be heard over the poor toddler’s cries (and these ladies had some good lungs on them, too). Of course, no one involved in this got an apology from the mom; not the staff, the puppeteers or the other members of the audience. Some folks got no ‘couth.  Nope, no ‘couth at all.

Always check the shrubs

From Dee in Iowa:

Today we had a group of community service in and I had them washing the windows on the outside. They came back in with three of our cake pans that they had found in the bushes. I called the patron who said we were closed when he tried to return them last night. He added that the Rec. Center side of the building was also closed and that the pans would not fit in the drop box (not true—we tried and they fit) so he had no choice but to “hide” them in the bushes. He was going to call today to let us know where the cake pans were “hidden” but “forgot”. I was so flabbergasted that I “forgot” to remind him that he could call/e-mail or even return them to his local library and they would mail the pans back to us. I am going to do that now so he won’t need to “hide” library material from now on. Anyway, the moral of the story is always check the plantings around your library for “hidden” treasure. We are still shaking our heads in wonderment.

Puberty @ the library.

A short one, but a sweet one, submitted by a public library staff member in the United States:

A 4th Grade boy comes in and very matter of factly tells a co-worker and I "You're going to be seeing me with some zits. I'm starting the puberty!" And I kept a straight face all the way back to my desk! I LOVE my job.

Funny phone calls #001

This one submitted by Glenda, at a public library:

Ring, ring, ring….

Glenda: **** Public Library, this is Glenda.
Caller: *High-pitched cartoonish voice* Hello...who am I talking to?
Glenda: This is Glenda.
Caller: Well, Linda (This is when I knew I was in for it!) this is Mary Smith.
Long awkward pause...I never know if I’m expected to say something here
Glenda: Hi Mary, what can I help you with?
Caller: Do you deliver books?
Glenda: Sure. We have a book basket program that is delivered every other week.  It went out the end of last week, so if you need something now, we’d be happy to get it to you.  What do you like to read?
Caller: Well, I’ve been hearing quite a lot about Shakespeare and I think I’d like to read it.
Glenda:  Which one of Shakespeare’s works would you like to read?
Caller:  He has more than one?
Glenda: Yes, he wrote a lot. (The other librarian in the office is now almost rolling on the floor while I try to maintain a professional voice.)
Caller: I’d like the first one.
Glenda:  OK, I can find that for you. What’s your address?
Caller: *Silence*...Don’t you know it? I have a membership at your library...I get a little confused with all the medication I’m on...
Glenda:  I can look that up. *checking in computer* Do you still live at 123 Main Street?
Caller:  No, I don’t live there anymore. *Silence as she waits for me to guess again*
Glenda: Wait a minute let me get the phone book. *Frantically flipping pages to find it while trying not to laugh out loud.*  Is it 321 First Street?
Caller: *excited, as if I had the right answer on Jeopardy!* That’s it!
Glenda:  I’ll bring you a book this afternoon. See you then.

I hang up, burst into laughter until the tears are rolling down my face.
So, naturally I delivered  “Collected Works of Shakespeare, Vol. 1 to her. Think she’ll enjoy it??

No fun allowed!

I laughed out loud at this one. Totally a tale about that "cranky librarian" all of us remember running into during our childhood at one point or another.

LibrarianJessie's tale:

When I first started out as a department head of a small public library, I grappled with the problem of managing a very small town staff…

Dress codes: Please wear shoes, no halter tops or short-shorts.

Censorship: No, you can’t toss out that book because it deals with a religion or political stance you don’t approve of.

Theft: No, you can’t have this week’s TV Guide because “the other librarian always let me have it”.

But what really stands out in my mind? One afternoon, one of my older, straight-laced library clerks came to me and asked, “What is your policy on children having fun in the library”. I thought she was joking. When I realized she really expected an answer, I told her I hoped the kids would have fun and grow up to be adults who would remember how much they loved libraries. And that perhaps they would bring their own kids to the library – and might vote YES on that library referendum and tax increase.

I like noisy libraries and noisy patrons.

PIRATES!!

I especially loved this submission because we had a very similar incident occur at my own library not too long ago. At first I wondered if the patron described below was dressing up for dress like a pirate day (talk like a pirate day?), but then realized that it probably did not exist 20 years ago when this story happened.

Last year we had an employee at my library come in to work dressed up as a pirate for what he claimed was dress like a pirate day. Staff and patrons were equally freaked out and amused! Our dress code was (and is) so slack and undefined that the supervisors couldn't even find grounds to send him home to change! So for the whole day we had a pirate sitting at our circulation desk! He had even requested to talk like a pirate as well, but that was decidedly "too much" and the supervisors wouldn't give him permission to do it.

Now, on to the story from Kerry From Everywhere:

This happened in NYC almost 20 years ago and stands out as one of the definite highlights:

I'm originally from the Midwest and this was in my first year as a librarian and in NYC. A customer walks in with a pretty standard reference question. However, he is dressed as a total pirate. And I don't mean a Long John Silver generic pirate - an actual crusty, salty pirate. And he has a similarly-attired monkey on his shoulder. Still green in the profession and not sure what to do, I shook the monkey's hand and fully answered their reference question. It was only as they walked away that I noticed that he was also sporting a full sword and scabbard attached to his hip. He had broken two rules of the library - no pets and no weapons...but he and the monkey were both such gentlemen, I'm glad that I handled it the way that I did. My parents still remember the phone call I made to them that night.

The aliens are on their way!

This one is from Becky in Illinois and is a great example of the smile and nod technique that I find myself using quite frequently:

I work in a moderately large public library in Illinois.  I have one regular patron, approximately 80 years old, who comes in to read the newspapers and magazines daily.  He has a strong interest in fusion, cyanobacteria, stem cell research... anything that he can find in an issue of Discover, Science News, National Geographic and Popular Science.  He usually spends about 30-40 minutes at my desk telling me all about the articles he's been reading.

Lately, he's been reading a lot of Ruth Montgomery books, particularly the ones about enlightened beings from outside of our solar system.  Out of a staff of roughly 23 people, he has chosen me to go with him and colonize a new planet.  We are just waiting for the earth's axis to shift 90 degrees.  When it does so, the enlightened beings are going to step in and help us out.

I can't rightly tell him that my eggs are creeping up there in age and that he might want to consider taking my much younger genealogist with him for this purpose.  Until I can relay these things, I just smile and nod.

FBI and CIA approved

From Heidi in Australia, who can't get away from the crazies no matter which branch she's at!:

Several years ago I’d been working in a small, one person branch library but did a six month stint acting in a higher position at one of our main library branches. I’d not been long back at my little branch when a patron broke in to the branch, leaving a copy of a book I’d recommended to him in tiny little shreds and the door wide open.

Badly frightened, I was moved back to the main branch for a few weeks while the dust settled.

A regular there quizzed me on why I was back. I told him I’d had some trouble with a patron at my own branch. When he’d established that the patron was the trouble-maker, not me, he told me he could “take him out for you, mate.” “It’s OK,” I told him, “xxx (Library Manager)’s got it all under control.” “No really, mate,” he replied, “I’m FBI and CIA approved. I can take him out for you.”

More urgent demurring from me . . . my manager has it under control . . .